Friday, August 14, 2009

McMillion Dollar Idea #3: Funky Assault Gangsta Squad

Man, Freddie, I thought for sure that first McMillion Dollar Idea I gave you was gonna be gold but both you and Goldman ended up getting canned. Turns out I left out a key component, the Freebird Ass Cream.

My bad.

The good news is that with your Raw guest hosting gig on Monday you've got the perfect opportunity to make a play to get your old job back and in even better news, I've got an idea:

The Funky Assault Gangsta Squad

Picture this, it's the big SummerFest pay-per-view, The Legacy are in the ring awaiting their opponents for the evening, D-Generation X, but instead of the raver lights and old music, the arena gets filled with the red and blue glow of police lights as a new bass-heavy song hits with rap lyrics blaring over it and out come Triple H and Shawn Michaels and they be skipping and jumping as usual but with a new urban look and attitude to boot. (***)

They grab the mic and explain that they are no longer to be referred to by their government names of Triple H and Shawn Michaels. From now on they are H-Cubed (Hunter Hip Hop) and HIV (pronounced 'high five' referring to the five different WWE titles he's held) and collectively they are now the Funky Assault Gangsta Squad. (***)

Now while the people may be expecting the usual old and busted spiels about 'sucking it' the Funky Assault Gangsta Squad break out the new hotness with H-Cubed freestyling about 'sucking it' with HIV beatboxing in the background. (***)

HIV has his hair in a cornrow by the way. (***)

Their finishing moves are now going to be called by their street names as well. The Pedigree is now The Rap Sheet and instead of Tuning Up The Band and Sweet Chin Music it's now Stomping The Yard and Grillin' Da Cheese. (***)

And Freddie, while you're pitching this make sure to grab your nuts with one hand and wave your other hand in the air like you're throwing up gang signs and every now and then just stop, point to someone, and yell, "I'm from Hollywood, motherfuckerrrr!" before continuing on without missing a beat. That way they'll think you've got street cred and won't question your judgment.